Mothering Minds UK

With a new baby, couple activities and romance often fall by the wayside. Learn how to work as a team to avoid resentment and strengthen your bond.

I Suddenly Can't Stand My Partner: How to Fall Back In Love After Having a Baby

Having a child with someone you love is a magical thing. You are raising a new human together – instilling your values and shaping a childhood. Maybe you were full of anticipation and resolve while you were pregnant – to share the load equally, to still have fun together, to give this baby a happy, stable home – but now that your baby has arrived, the reality of caring for an infant has left you exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful. You may wonder if you will ever get back to the bond you had with your partner in the past. The bad news is – you won’t. The good news however, is that with some work, it can turn into a better one.

Identifying Relationship Changes

A great place to start is to identify the ways in which your relationship has changed now that you have a baby. Post-birth, couples often face challenges related to sleep deprivation, differing parenting styles, and division of household responsibilities. You might find your attitudes or roles have changed, some in ways you expected, and others in ways you did not. This leads to increased stress on both you and your partner and lots of potential for conflict. Take some time to reflect on this, and if it helps, write down the changes you have noticed. If possible, include not just your point of view, but try to imagine things from your partner’s perspective as well. This will equip you to take some steps towards strengthening your bond again.

Steps to Strengthen Your Relationship Postpartum

Both you and your partner are going through a massive identity shift when you become parents. This is not just the case for the first child – every subsequent child is different, and the added responsibility requires both of you to adapt each time. If you notice a build-up of resentment, or increased conflict, note the following suggestions:

  1. Open Dialogue: Set aside dedicated time for meaningful conversations with your partner. Discuss feelings, concerns, and hopes for the future. Ideally, this is done when you are both relaxed – perhaps when the baby is down or someone else is looking after it for a little while, and you have had some time to unwind. 

  2. Counselling & Therapy: Consider couples therapy or counselling sessions that specialise in postpartum relationship challenges. A therapy session provides a safe, judgment free space to express your feelings, which can be useful when you struggle to talk to each other in a compassionate way. Some couples even start therapy when planning for a child or during pregnancy to be prepared.

  3. Shared Responsibilities: Clearly define and divide childcare and household tasks. This can help reduce feelings of imbalance or resentment. You might find it helpful to schedule a ‘family meeting’ for this and put your resolutions into writing to increase commitment.

  4. Quality Time: Ensure to spend time together as a couple, away from parental responsibilities, even if it’s just for a short while. Go out for a coffee or a walk, or simply have a quick cup of tea together while the baby naps.

  5. Empathy and Understanding: Recognize that both of you are undergoing significant changes. Being empathetic can help in understanding each other’s perspectives better.

The Importance of Partner Involvement

Perhaps the largest issue that arises after a baby is added to a relationship is the question of support to the main parent. In many cases the mother takes primary charge of the baby, and often carries the added physical toll of breastfeeding. An engaged partner is crucial – when the mother is busy caring for the infant, she needs her partner to step up and care for her, both emotionally and physically. This way, you can still feel a sense of shared purpose, which will contribute to a happier relationship.

Tips to Enhance Your Partner’s Involvement

  1. Express Your Feelings: Encourage open conversations about your feelings and needs. This fosters understanding and collaboration.

  2. Parenting Workshops: Consider attending parenting sessions together. These can provide a mutual understanding of roles and responsibilities.

  3. Divide and Conquer: Allocate specific tasks. Defined roles can reduce ambiguity and enhance partnership.

  4. Appreciate Efforts: Recognize and acknowledge your partner’s contributions. A little appreciation can go a long way in motivating and fostering a positive atmosphere. As tempting (or frustrating) as it is, don’t criticise the way your partner carries out tasks you want more involvement with.

The postpartum period, with its joys and challenges, is a phase of growth for both parents. By actively working together, couples can navigate these changes, ensuring their bond remains strong.