Mothering Minds UK

Many modern partners want to shoulder childcare equally. But what this means and how to do it is up to each couple to explore and decide.

Sharing the Load: Why 'Tell me what to do and I'll do it' is driving her mad and what to do instead

‘It’s hard to communicate sometimes – I need a hand, but I don’t know what to ask for’, said Rachel in one of our recent couple therapy sessions. Her husband, Harry, is trying to be as involved as he can, but, he says: ‘I often feel like I’m in the way, or do exactly the wrong thing’. It’s a common dilemma in many partnerships, and even more so for new parents. While the mother (or primary parent) is overwhelmed at the mountain of work, her partner is waiting to help – available, but unaware of how to best offer support. Welcome to what has recently become a buzzword in the female mental health community: The Mental Load.

The term ‘mental load’ also known as “worry work”, often falls disproportionately on the shoulders of mothers. It’s the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, ensuring that everyone’s needs are met, appointments are scheduled, meals are prepared, and a plethora of other tasks that keep the home functioning smoothly3. This invisible labor often finds mothers as the default parent, taking on a disproportionate amount of work at home, which unfortunately, often goes unpaid and unappreciated4.

Let’s delve into some real-life examples to illustrate the mental load in raising children. Imagine a typical weekday morning in a family household. Mom wakes up before everyone else, prepares breakfast, mentally runs through the day’s schedule, ensures the children have their school bags packed, appointments are set, and a myriad of other tasks are lined up for the day. Even before the day officially starts, the mental checklist is buzzing.

Now, let’s consider a scenario where the father tells the mother, ‘Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.’ Although it’s a well-intentioned offer, it inadvertently adds to the mother’s mental load. Now, she not only has to manage her tasks but also has to think, plan, and delegate tasks for the father. This scenario underscores why this phrase can drive her mad.

So, how can partners help alleviate the mental load? Here are some thoughtful steps:

  1. Educate Yourself: Understand the concept of mental load and its impact on your partner. Recognize the invisible labor and the toll it can take.

  2. Be Proactive: Instead of waiting to be told what to do, observe and act. If you see the laundry piling up or the children’s lunch boxes waiting to be packed, step in and take care of it.

  3. Communicate: Have open discussions about the distribution of household and family responsibilities. Creating a shared family calendar can be a practical step to ensure everyone is on the same page.

  4. Use Tools: Utilize tools like shared calendars, reminder apps, and list-making apps to organize household tasks and responsibilities, which can help in reducing the mental load.

  5. Show Appreciation: Express gratitude towards each other for the efforts put into managing the household. A simple ‘thank you’ can make a significant difference.

  6. Seek External Support: If needed, don’t hesitate to seek external support like therapy or joining support groups. It’s also perfectly okay to hire help for household chores.

Sharing the mental load is not merely about reducing stress but fostering a nurturing and supportive environment within the family. By understanding the mental load, being proactive, and communicating openly, it’s possible to redistribute the mental load, creating a balanced and harmonious family life, where every member thrives. Through collective effort, the journey of motherhood and parenthood can be a fulfilling and enriching experience for all.

What to do Today:

Taking a step towards alleviating the mental load can start with something as simple yet impactful as initiating a conversation. Today, engage your partner in a discussion about the mental load and the distribution of household and family responsibilities. Choose a quiet time when both of you are relaxed and open to discussion.

  1. Express your feelings: Share your experiences and how the mental load impacts you. It’s crucial for your partner to understand your perspective.
  2. Listen and Understand: Give your partner the space to share their thoughts as well. It’s a two-way communication.
  3. Identify Specific Tasks: Together, identify specific tasks that each one can take up to ease the mental load. It could be something as simple as taking turns in preparing meals or managing the children’s schedules.
  4. Set a Follow-Up Date: Schedule a follow-up conversation to evaluate how things are going and make any necessary adjustments.

By initiating this crucial conversation, you’re not only working towards easing the mental load but also fostering better understanding and collaboration in managing the household and family responsibilities. Remember, small steps taken consistently lead to substantial positive changes over time. 

For couples counselling to improve your communication skills and relate to each other effectively and with compassion, contact me through motheringminds.uk and I’ll be happy to schedule a free consultation.